Japanese TV Part 3

I recently watched a show where a female pro-wrestler and her goofy, nerdy-looking husband went and ate at various restaurants. They were apparently visiting the ten best restaurants for “nabe”. Nabe is a type of food. It is a bunch of stuff (usually mushrooms, konyaku noodles, cabbage, and chunks of fish) sitting in a boiling, watery broth. It’s pretty tasteless. And it all looks the same. Why spend 5 minutes explaining what’s in this particular nabe? It’s the same stuff that’s in all nabe. At each restaurant, the waiter brings out the pot of bubbling nabe to the odd-couple, and they, without fail, say “segoii!” Like they’ve never seen anything like it before. It looks the same as the last pot of nabe! Why does that impress you? Then, there’s a tense moment where they taste it for the first time. The camera gets up real close as they blow on it and take the first bite of the boiled, unseasoned fish. Everyone holds their breath. And then, “oishii!” Once the tension is gone, the goofy music starts to play as we watch them eat the rest of the nabe in time-lapse (with a timer speeding by at the bottom of the screen – for no reason). It usually takes them about 15 minutes to finish the whole, tasteless bowl.

This show was on for, I kid you not, an hour and a half. How is that an hour and a half show? At most, it should be a ten minute segment.

This is what they put on the TV at the gym…

Hong Kong (Part 3)

Lantau Island – one of Hong Kong’s larger but less inhabited areas. Lantau boasts the world’s largest outdoor Buddha (now accessible by a scenic 25 minute cable car ride) as well as numerous hiking trails. After much deliberation, you will decide to buy a one-way cable-car ticket. How will you get back down? Who knows. In your cable car you will meet a nice Chinese couple (with his parents). They are originally from the mainland, but they went to college in America (he went to Georgetown – smart guy). They met while working in NYC, moved to Beijing (his hometown) for a few years, and have spent the last five in Hong Kong (his parents are just visiting). They will tell you all about Lantau’s many hiking trails, and suggest a daily plan for you. They will tell you that there is a trail from the Buddha to the top of Lantau Peak, but it is difficult. You will ignore their warning. You plan to see the Buddha, hike to the peak, then take a bus to a harbor town, and then catch a ferry back to Hong Kong.

After spending slightly too much time at the Buddha (and lunch) you decide in the late afternoon to quickly hike to the peak. At the outset of your journey, you will meet many people on their way down. You will ask each of them how much longer it will take to get to the top. Basic logic dictates that the closer you get to the top, the less time it will take to get there. Basic logic does not exist on the path to Lantau Peak. The first person you meet will tell you “45 minutes – max”. The next person will tell you that you are an hour and a half away. Further up the mountain, a third group inform you that you still have an hour forty-five to go. The path up the mountain consists of a series of steps made of rock that cut, practically, a vertical course up the side of the mountain. Walking up will be unpleasant. “But it will all be worth it when you get to the top and see the amazing view,” you will tell yourself. When you finally get to the top, after almost two hours, there will be no amazing view. Oh, there is potential for an amazing view – but, no amazing view. Freakin China… During the winter months, smog blows from the factories on the mainland and settles over Hong Kong. It would be gorgeous here… The Chinese will destroy their country. Hopefully they won’t take Hong Kong with it. Hiking back down takes a while, and, like going up, is painful (but in a different way). The sun is setting by the time you get back to the Buddha.






On the final day of your trip, you will take a bus through the mountains to the south side of Hong Kong Island. There, there are beaches and markets. It will be a beautiful day.





In the afternoon, your friend will have to leave. His flight will fly out this evening. You will not be leaving until the following morning. You will say goodbye to him – thank him for an amazing trip. Then, you will go back to the harbor to finally see the light-show. It will be a total let-down. But you will meet some nice Korean guys and have a conversation about cameras with them.



The next morning, at Hong Kong airport, you will bump into some fellow Yamanashi JETs. You knew they would be in China when you were, but didn’t know that they would be leaving Hong Kong (of all places) on the same flight. You will have traveling companions on the trip back to Japan.

Hong Kong (Part 2)

You will spend the first day wandering around the city. It is awesome – warm and bustling. You will make your way to the mid-levels – an international neighborhood that gradually slopes into the mountains. You will ride the winding series of escalators that take you to the top, but you will make a brief stop to get pizza. After months of eating gross to mediocre (possibly mayonnaise filled) pizza in Japan, this Hong Kong pizza will be delicious. Mmm, authentic pizza. It will severely burn the roof of your mouth (a necessary sacrifice to save your tongue), but you won’t care. After checking the price of real-estate in this neighborhood (yikes!) you will reboard the escalators and take them to the top. Walking back down will take you through some odd paths, and you will eventually reach a zoo randomly situated in a park/forest south of the city. The jaguar will not be doing anything, but the gibbons will be interesting. They sure do know how to have a good time. In one of the parks, you will meet a young Asian-American mother with a midwestern accent. When you ask her, she will tell you that Obama won the Iowa caucus. Hazzah! A good day indeed.


That night, you will take the world famous tram up to Victoria Peak – a high point on Hong Kong island with a view of the entire city. At the top is a 5-story shopping center complete with an EA store and wax museum. You will forgo the wax museum to play several rounds of NBA Street: Homecourt at the EA store. If your parents’ could see you and your friend playing videogames at a tourist attraction at the top of Hong Kong, they would laugh – or yell. After this realization, you only played for another two minutes. At the top of the viewing station, you will be treated to an amazing view of the city. You will also meet some American travelers who claim that you can view the nightly light-show from the peak. This is untrue. From your vantage point, you can tell that a light show exists – for other people, who are standing in designated light-show-viewing areas. The peak is not one of these areas. You will not be able to enjoy the light show.


After the unviewable light-show, you will decide not to take the tram back down the mountain, but rather, take the hour walk down the dimly lit trails that lead into the city. As you are on your way to do this, you encounter a young Hong Kongian (Hong Konger? Hong Kongese?) couple. When you ask them the location of the footpath, they will talk you out of walking down the mountain. They will not say, “It is a stupid idea,” but this is what they will be thinking. Instead, they will convince you to take the tram back down with them.

Hong Kong (Part 1)

Hong Kong will be great. It will be warm and sunny and beautiful. You will go through customs to get there. It is practically a different country.

The first thing you will notice about Hong Kong is the warm weather. It will be nice. The second thing you will notice is that the gritty, narrow streets with glowing, hanging advertisements occupying all the space above street level, bustling with people at all hours of the night – the city looks like it does in the movies. You expect a John Woo style shootout to ensue at any moment. This place is cool.

The third thing you will notice is that everyone is short. Cantonese people are short. This will be especially noticeable having just come from Beijing, where everyone is tall. The fourth thing you will notice is that all these short Cantonese people speak English. Yay!

The fifth thing you will notice is that the people are much more well-dressed and put together than people on the mainland – no pajamas here. Also, there’s no spitting. Why is there no spitting? The people of Hong Kong keep their mucus to themselves? Is it a secret? No, it’s civilization. Welcome to the first world!

That night you will make your way down to the harbor for a much talked-about, nightly light-show. However, you will arrive twenty minutes late and will be unable to see it. Instead, you will wander around Kowloon. Kowloon is more active at night than it is during the day. You will visit the area’s many open-air night markets. The markets will occupy entire streets for blocks at a time. They will be enormous. The markets and the surrounding restaurants and shops will be open well into the night. You will browse clothing stores after midnight. When you go back to your hotel at 1 AM, the crowd will show no signs of waning.

Beijing (Part 4)

The Great Wall – Badaling? Badda-bing! This massive defensive structure was built between 500 BC and 1600 AD making it the longest (yes, it’s a pun) construction project in the world. The thing stretches for over 4,100 miles, but only a small portion of it is renovated and open to the public. To avoid the crowds, get there as early as possible. This will also help you stay clear of the piece-of-crap vendors who flock to this wonder of human achievement to peddle their wares to tourists. The wall is incredibly steep in some places. Don’t wear heels. Take a taxi there, but don’t expect to find one to take you back. Instead, hop on the nearest departing bus and hope it takes you back to downtown Beijing. Pack yourself into the already overcrowded bus and try to fall asleep. Ignore the smell.










Szechwan Food – While in Beijing you will want to eat an authentic Szechwan meal. Your friend will ask people on the street for the location of a good restaurant. Your friend will have trouble pronouncing the word “Szechwan” using the proper Mandarin tones. Many people will have no idea what he’s talking about. They will lead you in circles. “There’s a good one in that department store.” In the store: “Where’s the Szechwan restaurant?” “What are you talking about?” – and so on. Finally you will give up and go to a Szechwan restaurant that is more tourist friendly. While waiting the twenty minutes for a table, your friend will become freaked out by the tour groups walking in and out of the dinning room and by the “4 Star” certification from the “Beijing Tourism Ministry” on the wall. “The food will not be good here,” he decides. “I want to leave.” He will not tell you this until you are about to sit down. You will leave the restaurant to try your luck on the street – again. After more unsuccessful attempts, you will finally meet a Beijinger (Beijingian? Person from Beijing) who knows what he’s talking about. He will give you the name of a good Szechwan restaurant. When you get there, things will start to look up. There will be many locals there and the wait staff will be friendly. The restaurant will look promising. When the food comes, you will be unable to eat it. It will burn your mouth. Peppers will be everywhere. It may as well be on fire. You will be able to tell that it would be delicious if not for the searing pain it causes when you try to eat it. Later, your friend will ask one of the friendly waitresses how to properly say the word “Szechwan”. He will try to say it a few times – unsuccessfully. He will say, “what is the name of the place where this type of food comes from?” The waitress will look at him as if he was some type of creature, unable to express thoughts and ideas. She will tell the other waitresses that the foreigner at table 2 just accosted her with some sort of crazy speak.

Beijing (Part 3)

The Forbidden City – The grounds of the Imperial Palace and all the accompanying buildings (i.e. the Hall of Supreme Harmony, The Hall of Central Harmony, The Hall of Preserving Harmony, The Gate of Heavenly Purity, The Gate of Heavenly Unity, etc). Many generations of Emperors lived out virtually their entire lives here, so it is the size of several city blocks and every square inch is lavishly decorated. It got its name because peasants were “forbidden” to enter it – mainly because they spit uncontrollably and tried to sell cheap crap to anyone who appeared to be carrying money.










As you leave The Forbidden City, you will hear the familiar “hello”. Young Chinese people want to talk to you. You will oblige. Like all other young Chinese people who want to talk to you, their English will be impressive. In China, the people who study English actually end up learning English. And, they are not embarrassed to use it. When you tell Chinese people that you teach English in Japan, they will giggle. “Japanese people can’t speak English,” they will say. This is true. Apparently all of Asia knows this.

Beijing (Part 2)

Beijing Duck – On your first night in Beijing, you will go to Quanjude the famous Beijing Kaya (Peking Duck) restaurant. The place will be huge – four stories. You will be taken up to the third floor. The duck will be delicious – the best, most high-class meal of the trip. At this restaurant that has hosted world leader, your meal will cost less than $20 a head. Later, you will sneak down to the second floor – the one with the private banquet hall. You will look through the Hall of Heroes (or whatever its called). Heads of state have eaten in this restaurant. Mao was here. You imagine Nixon and Kissinger eating duck here – George Bush throwing up here…


Beijing is cold, but after the meal, you will go for a walk. You will see Mao’s picture overlooking Tiananmen Square. You will see the new music center, which looks like a glowing egg. There will be lasers. They will look cool when you take pictures of them. You will see several large, boxy, “communist” style building. Most of the buildings in Beijing look like giant boxes. They are big and imposing, but there are almost no skyscrapers. Instead, each giant box is practically a block unto itself. None of the boxes touch each other. The city is very spread out. Walking around is difficult. The subway does not reach all destinations. There are many cars. The city feels like it was designed by a central planning committee instead of being allowed to organically expand. This is most likely true.

Beijing (Part 1)

The first thing you will notice about Beijing is the cold. It will be cold – Chicago style cold. The second thing you will notice, or rather, your friend will, is that the people there speak Mandarin with a different accent than the one he is used to. He has a little trouble understanding them, and vice versa. You will not know this at the time, but this will be problematic. The third thing you will notice about Beijing, is the thick, brown haze that has descended on the city. This is pollution, and it hasn’t actually “descended” on the city, but instead, risen up from factories and the millions of cars crowding the streets – the fourth thing you’ll notice.

The fifth thing you will notice is that the people here are not as friendly as they were in Shanghai. In Shanghai, you’re friend will have joked and laughed with all types of people. When you get off the bus from the airport, and go to talk to the lounging cabbies for a ride to the hotel, they will be less than receptive. They will insist on charging you 50 RMB for what should be a 10 RMB trip. You won’t know for sure, but you will suspect that the “fifth thing you notice” is a direct result of the “second thing you notice.” You will not ride with these surly cab drivers. Instead, you will take all your luggage onto the crowded subway. That’ll teach them for trying to rip you off.

You will be staying at the Holiday Inn, but you will have difficulty communicating this to people. It turns out, Chinese works differently from Japanese. In Japan, almost all foreign words and names are katakanaized – ie said with a Japanese accent. The “Holiday Inn” is the “horidei innu”, “Hillary Clinton” is “hirari kurinton”, and the word “cup” is “kappu”. If you ever need to tell a taxi driver to get you somewhere you don’t know the Japanese word for, just say it in Engrish. Chinese is not like this. All foreign words are completely transformed into Chinese. You cannot even use your own name in China. You need a completely different Chinese name. They borrow nothing. Saying “Holiday Inn” in a Chinese accent will get you nowhere. Your friend figures to say the Chinese word for “holiday” followed by the Chinese word for “inn”. Success. Note: here, you must know Chinese for even the most basic level of communication.

You will be exhausted when you finally make it to the hotel. The hotel, like everything else in Beijing, will be in the process of renovation. (Everything that is not new must be made to look new when the Olympics come to town in the summer.) Because you will only be spending a day and a half in the city, you will attempt to plan extensively with the concierge. She will not know the best way to get places. She will not know when things open or close. She will not know what time buses leave. She will not know the things you will need to know in order to make a detailed, hour-by-hour plan. She will suggest that you take an organized tour. You will ignore her suggestion – she thinks you are a pussy. You will decide to wing it.

Shanghai (Part 4)

Streets – places for people to walk. You’ll pass by countless construction projects on your journey – many of them with bamboo scaffolding. If you don’t want to get hit by falling debris, look up when you walk.

Cars do not hold people back from the walking in the middle of the street. Bicyclists have little regard for both cars and pedestrians. If you don’t want to be hit by a biker, look ahead when you walk.

The street is also the best place to empty your throat and nasal passages. Why not work up a nice loogie and deposit it onto the street for everyone to see? Everyone else is doing it. One woman bypassed spitting altogether by simply blowing her nose onto the sidewalk – one nostril at a time. If you don’t want to step in mucus, look down when you walk.


Street vendors – these people gather wherever there are crowds. There are two types of street vendor. One sells cheap pieces of crap, the other sells fake designer items. The cheap piece-of-crap vendor will set up shop in a high traffic area – along a busy sidewalk or next to a tourist destination. There, he will demonstrate the wonders of his particular piece of crap. All the piece-of-crap vendors each sell a different type of crap, and there are only about five different types at any one time. Popular items include: little woven pieces of crap (the piece-of-crap vendor will tell you he made these by hand – this is a lie), light-up spinning tops, the magic dancing puff ball (its not magic – the piece-of-crap vendor/magician holds it with thin, translucent string – don’t fall for that crap), and the ever popular goo-ball-that-goes-splat-when-you-throw-it-against-something-hard- but-then-reconstitutes-itself-moments-later. This item is by far the most prevalent. As you pass by a piece-of-crap vendor trying to sell this particular piece of crap, you will receive a demonstration. When half a dozen of them are all sitting along the same sidewalk, you will receive half a dozen demonstrations. “Wow, it splats and then reconstitutes itself.” “Wow, it splats and then reconstitutes itself.” “Wow, it splats and then reconstitutes itself.” “Wow, it splats and then reconstitutes itself.” “I was impressed the first ten times, but your demonstration really sold me.”

The fake-item vendor is a different breed. The fake-item vendor does not actually have his wares on his person. Instead, he carries a piece of paper with pictures of the items he sells – mainly Rolex watches and Louie Vuitton bags. He will hassle you no matter what you are doing. Sitting in a moving taxi? No problem for the fake-item vendor. He will knock on the window to let you know that he is selling Rolexes. “I know we were on our way to the airport, honey, but this man is selling authentic Rolexes, right here on the street! And they’re so cheap!” If you are on foot, you might get into an actual dialogue. “You want buy. Real Rolex,” he will say. “I don’t want it,” you will say. “What don’t you want?” he will ask. “What you are selling,” your friend will reply. He will slash his prices in half for you, right there on the street. Why? Because you are his friend. Where is his product? Tell him that you are interested, and he will stealthy lead you away from the busy street corner you are standing on, to an abandoned-looking door in a nearby darkened alley. You will go up a flight or two of dimly lit stairs and walk down a small, crumpling hallway to a little room that contains all his stuff and several members of his family ready to sell it to you.

The Old Jewish Section – you will go across the city to a part of town were Jewish refugees fleeing from the Germans were sheltered during the war. There is a museum there that used to be a synagogue. When you get there, the museum will be closed for renovations and will be gated off. There will be a guard standing outside the gate. Your friend will talk to him. He will tell the guard that you are very sad to see that the museum is closed. You are Jewish, you were looking forward to this, and you are leaving tomorrow. The guard will let you in – and give you a tour. He will know some Hebrew words, but no English words. This will be strange.


After the museum, you will wander around the neighborhood that used to hold twenty-five thousand Jewish refugees. An elderly man will approach you. For a small fee, he will give you a tour of the neighborhood. You accept. He will lead you around, showing you places where the Jewish community used to live and gather. No Jews remain in this neighborhood, but you will see several plaques commemorating their stay.

Shanghai (Part 3)

Temples – there are several famous temples in downtown Shanghai – though, not so famous that you won’t totally forget their names immediately after leaving.

The First Temple – The area surrounding this temple was recently renovated (surprise, surprise). There is now a large touristy area designed in the style of the original temple. Out of one of these structures will pour half a dozen people in Mickey Mouse costumes. Their presence will be unexplained. While gawking at the Mickey Mice(?), a middle-aged Chinese man will approach you and begin to explain about the recent development of this part of the city. After a bit more conversation, you will ask him what he does for work. He will show you. He will lead you to a tourist friendly area right next to the temple where he owns a pearl shop. There, you will learn about pearl farming. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds.











At the temple itself, you will be surprised by the number of people there. Several will be Japanese tourists. They will have nice cameras and say “Eeh!?” in unison. Despite the cold weather, there will be a mass of people standing in an enormous line for a taste of the (alleged) best dumplings in the world. Shanghai is famous for dumplings (earlier that morning you will be convinced of this when you have amazing dumplings at a place around the corner from your friend’s apartment – a dollar for eight, btw), and these are supposed to be the best in Shanghai. If the length of the line is any indication, they may very well be. But you will not wait in this line. You will have better things to do than stand in line all day, waiting for dumplings.















The Second Temple – going to this temple will be entirely uneventful. It will be cold, and you will not linger.





The Fabric Market – a three-story indoor market jam-packed with tailors. You will be looking for someone to make a suit for you, but will soon be overwhelmed. Almost all the shops will make suits, and all will look virtually the same. You will be looking for the best tailor at the lowest price, but you will realize that you know almost nothing about tailoring. So, you will judge the merits of each shop based on arbitrary criteria. How sure of him/herself is the salesperson? Is he/she desperate? How busy is the shop? How do those seams look? Your friend will become impatient with your indecision. Don’t worry. He’ll calm down soon enough. After much wandering around a labyrinth of hanging garments and pushy tailors, you will find someone who looks like they can do a good job – based on arbitrary criteria.

Fake Markets – The main attraction. There are several of these around the city. They range from somewhat tame to totally crazy. The craziest might be called “Chi Pu Lu,” you can’t remember. Picture a giant three-story shopping mall with narrow, labyrinth hallways overflowing with vendors. They pack the stores in like sardines. Thing is, most of them all get their wares from the same few factories, so they all have similar (if not the exact same stuff). Some combination of Spyder jackets, Rolex watches, Pink shirts and ties, Armani shirts and suits, and bootleg NDS games. There is little variation.

Are you white? You must have money. Prepare to be followed around by guys working on commission for getting foreigners into stores. These guys will not – absolutely not – leave you alone. They are like angry bees – they will follow you until you have left the hive, and put about a quarter mile between you and it. If you weren’t at all interested in buying, you wouldn’t be there, right?

Not only will people follow you around, every vendor you pass will try to yell encouragment to get you into their store. Once you stop walking to actually take a look at what they’re selling, they don’t leave you alone. Here’s a sample interaction – abbreviated for your sanity. You’re browsing. A pushy sales girl comes at you with an item you don’t really want but maybe could be persuaded to buy. She says its normally $25, but she’ll give it to you for $20. You must look like a nice guy – or a sucker. You say no thanks, you’re just looking. She lowers the price to $17. You repeat. She asks you to name your price – hands you the calculator (all numbers are punched into a calculator – never spoken). You type in $7 – you don’t even really want this thing. She calls you crazy – tells you to be serious. You take the calculator back – type in $7 again. She goes down to $13. You say no thanks. She starts getting upset. Goes to $9 – final offer. You walk away. She chases you – gives you your price. You give up. She gives up. You didn’t even want this thing and now you’re spending five bucks on it. She’s upset because she really wanted to sell it to you for $20 or at least $13. A good compromise leaves everyone angry.

All the vendors speak English, but during some of the fiercer negotiations, it helps to have a friend who speaks Chinese. Once your friend starts speaking Chinese to them, they became much more willing to lower their prices. “You get a discount because your friend speaks Chinese,” they will say. You could spend all day arguing with these people.

Shanghai (Part 2)

[I'm having trouble uploading pictures. That's what's holding me up. I may just put up text and try to add the pictures later, but then you miss out on half the fun...]

Walking around – Walking around the city, you will be surprised by the remarkable number of name-brand shops in Shanghai. Some of them are very high end, and the prices are just as high as they are in the states. Who buys this stuff? There must be some very very wealthy Chinese people in Shanghai, because the vast majority of Chinese are poor. You can live so cheaply in China. Food costs almost nothing (a dollar for a meal), transportation costs almost nothing, and housing is inexpensive. Most people don’t make a lot, but it is more than enough to live on. So, who’s buying these Louis Vatton bags, and Rolex watches, and Armani suits (real ones) which easily cost the average Chinese person’s yearly salary?


The Bund – an area of the city next to the river that the French and British controlled before the war. You will buy tickets to a New Years party here. Later, you will go to this party. There will only be foreigners at the party. Only foreigners celebrate the solar New Years in Shanghai. There are many foreigners. All the buildings along the Bund will be packed with partying foreigners.











Subways – At 25 cents per ride, the subway is by far the cheapest way to get around the city. The subways in Shanghai are all brand new, and they, like everything else, are under construction. The city is constantly building and opening new lines. During your visit, at least one new subway line will open. Because of the opening ceremony, all the usual exits will be blocked by policemen. You will have trouble leaving. Bring a sandwich.

Coming from Japan, you will be surprised to see people talking on the subway. This is normal. Why don’t they sit in silence or crumple into themselves to fall asleep? Aren’t they embarrassed to call attention to themselves by engaging in loud, overt conversation? No, they are not.